Clear Vision and Kale Chips

                    


I'm a big list maker. Ever since I can remember, I have made lists. Everything from the daily chores I want to accomplish, the books I want to read, places I want to travel and things I want to experience. Having laser eye surgery has been on my wish list for years now.

Each January, I update my master list. As I look over my previous year's dreams, I'm always in awe over the things I have manifested. In the last 25 years, D and I have created a comfortable home and a beautiful family. It hasn't always been easy, as most of our married life we have lived on one income and our last 4 children took a long time to come. Finally, after years of  "holding my vision," followed by tremendous intent, focus and action, our family is complete.

As a mom to 8 children, our family's needs are always at the top of my wish list. Making sure our kids have a comfortable place to call their own, space to dream and activities that feed their soul, has always been a top priority. Hence, doing some sort of renovation to our home each year or buying a new musical instrument, as well as saving for our children's extra curricular activities, to accommodate their wishes, has been my prime focus..

Will starts cello lessons this fall

Our latest reno job...the new stairs to a room over the garage for Harrison to have his own space

 Last January, priorities shifted slightly, after visiting my optometrist.

My already degraded vision had worsened once again and my Dr. had also discovered several small cysts on one of my eyes. These were most likely caused by wearing my rigid gas permeable contact lens, (RGP'S in the optical bus) too long each day. As I left his office, the health of my eyes was paramount to me. As D and I discussed the options later that evening, the idea to investigate laser eye surgery suddenly seemed to be the prudent thing to do. After all, if I were to purchase a new pair of
glasses as well as another set of RGPs with my latest prescription, that amount alone would pay for a good portion of my eye surgery.

On a referral from my optometrist's office, I went to an eye clinic in Kelowna. (our nearby BIG city) The ophthalmologist who operates the clinic is well respected and the clinic itself has a good reputation.  After the eye exam, they told me that, YES, I would be a candidate for laser eye surgery. I was jubilant, until they told me the cost of the procedure. Bummer! On top of that, they mentioned that it may be a good idea to consider having my lens replaced due to my age. A large percentage of older folks develop cataracts and this procedure would circumvent this condition from occurring even though currently my eyes were in perfect health. (I didn't mention that I live sustainably and throwing out perfectly good things, or lens in this case, wasn't my idea of a good idea) Still, this was yet another thing to consider.

On the drive home, D and I were both quiet. How could we manage to come up with this amount
with an already stretched budget.

If I have learned anything in my years of manifesting dreams, it's that you have to have the vision FIRST, before it can come to you. And so, I held onto the vision of having laser eye surgery.

Just holding the "intent" of having the surgery was enough at the time. I moved in the direction of having the surgery by taking the action of converting over to soft contact lens. Since wearing my RGP'S affects my cornea shape, I needed to allow the cornea to re-adjust and stabilize before surgery could even be scheduled. They said, I would have to be out of my RGP's at least a month for each decade of wear. Since I have been wearing contacts for at least 3 decades, that gave me at least 3 months to come up with the means to pay for the surgery.

Shortly after having the consult in Kelowna, my boss from the Garden Centre called to ask me officially if I would be able to work for them in the Spring. This was another thing I wanted to do but I really didn't see how it would be possible. The little girls were still small and still needed me at home full time. Again, I trusted things would work and told my boss that I would love to come in at least part time. I could work around D's hours at home. Being available weekends, holidays and working the afternoon, early evening shift, would at least cover some of my eye surgery expense and allow me to experience getting back into the paid workforce which I desired.

My babies with their babies...before I know it they will be all grown up

It's really a wonder how things fall into place when you make a commitment. After I told my bos that I would love to come back for another gardening season,  I ask my family for some support. I asked my oldest sister if she could time her spring visit around my work, so if we were falling apart, she could provide added assistance. Also, both of our older sons, who were attending University, agreed to help out where they could until their summer jobs started.

When my sister B comes to visit she never puts her feet up....except if we are looking at furniture

She is hands on

Clark starting his 3rd summer back at the Science Centre but he helped me work 2 full time weeks before his job started. Thanks Clark! Part of allowing a dream to come true is to trust that there will be people who step forward to assist it its manifestation.

One day after work I came to pick up Clark from his job at the Science Centre and I had to snap this picture. Here is my Environmental Science son sitting on a garbage can that asks, "Think, What can you do?" If we keep our eyes open, the Universe is always giving us assistance and offering the questions we need to ask ourselves.

Grace and Harrison were instrumental in allowing me to work this spring and helping my dream  come true...Thank you...have I told you what great kids YOU ARE!

I was elated. If I could make at least 1/2 of the cost of the procedure, maybe D, could come up with a creative way of finding the other 1/2. Somehow, I just kept moving in the direction. Believing that things would work out. I would wake up each morning and look out our bedroom window, imagining  someday seeing the beauty of the outdoors clearly without having to put my RGP's or my glasses on 

These are the flowers outside my bedroom door to our backyard.

.

Things were falling into place really well in the Spring and somehow my family all helped me juggle and balance the family's needs so I could work at the garden centre.The only thing was that D still hadn't come up with a creative way for us to find the other 1/2 of the money necessary for the procedure. It just wasn't there with all of our expenses and the kid's  current needs..

Me working with the kale at my gardening gig...note the stylish glasses

Then one day my sister J, came for a visit. She knew I had been looking into having the surgery and I updated her on my progress, without telling her that finding 1/2 of the fee hadn't materialized. That is when she told me that her oldest son E, who lives in Vancouver, had had laser eye surgery recently and it had cost 1/2 of the amount that I had been quoted at the Kelowna clinic. I was amazed and then a bit skeptical. Surely, there must be a catch. Perhaps his eyes didn't require as much correction. Did he have astigmatism as well?

This was too good to be true but you know when a door opens, you have to walk through it. The next day D called the Vancouver office to book an appointment for me. Since he would have to drive me, I needed it to work around his work schedule.

He came home that night and said, "Great news. You can have your consult in Kelowna." Apparently, once a month, a few of their staff come to Kelowna to conduct consults and attend to their patients who live in the Okanagan and need post surgery check ups. Things were starting to fall into place.







After meeting with M and J at their satellite office and hearing that yes, they would be able to do the PRK laser eye surgery on my eyes, I knew this was the direction I wanted to take. Everything had just fallen into place to allow my dream to come to fruition. First my spring job, my family stepping forward to assist and recently my sister offering another option that would allow me to afford the procedure. I would have to pay $300.00 dollars more than my nephew E paid. I would require something called, tissue sparing, where they use a finer laser. What I found most interesting was that the final package fee worked out to be exactly 1/2 of the cost that the Kelowna clinic had quoted.

When I had my first quote, I can remember saying to D that if it were 1/2 the amount, I could do it but the amount they wanted was just too much. That is why I never question my dreams now....when I put them out into the Universe, energy is always working behind the scenes to allow my dream to come through. As in this case, the Vancouver office does volume business and therefore can offer the service for less. When you have a dream you just have to hang on and keep believing that it WILL come true. Dream BIG!

After that, things moved quickly. They suggested I stop wearing my soft contact lenes and get a pair of cheap glasses and come back for a check up the following month. I haven't worn glasses, other than my sunglasses for years and this was really hard to adjust to, especially at the garden centre. I would have to switch from my distance glasses to my reading glasses depending on my duties which was awkward. Somehow, I got through the season. At the end of June, I met with M and J again. They were both happy to see my eyes had stabilized and it was a go to book my laser eye surgery.

At last, my dream would be coming true. Little did I know I would experience more than corrected eye sight. A life altering epiphany was part of the package.

If you have read this far into my blog...wow! I know it's long but there is a bigger story than just my laser eye surgery. Little did I know at the time but in two days, my eyes would see more than I had ever imagined. So grab a glass of ice tea and share in the rest of the story.
                             


My surgery was scheduled for Thursday, July 30th. We had decided we would leave home first thing in the morning, which would give us sufficient time to arrive in Vancouver with enough buffer if the traffic was heavy. My surgery was booked for late in the day but we would have to stay over night since they wanted to check my eyes the following morning. Friday, July 31st was our anniversary.


The weather was beautiful Thursday. Blue skies and warm weather followed us as we drove out of our valley and headed to the West coast. I tried not to think of the actual surgery or all the waivers I would have to sign later in the day. I held the vision that everything would be great and go well.

I had made us a lunch and other than stopping for one quick bathroom break along the highway, we drove right into Vancouver. It was early afternoon and traffic was light. As D maneuvered our family van along the highway and over bridges, I reminded myself to enjoy the experience. The last time I was at the coast, was almost 3 years ago, when we were interning my mom's remains. She was resting next to her mom and dad in the Aberdeen cemetary, close to where she grew up. Returning to the coast always feels like I was going home. I'm a Salmon in reverse,.going out to the sea, breathing deeply, feeling the oxygen fill my lungs and letting the flow guide me.

I hadn't been into downtown Vancouver for a number of years and as we drove closer to the centre of town, the strangeness of everything took over. D finally found Hastings street which is where the clinic was situated but we would have to drive along East Hastings first before we got to West end where the office building was located. The traffic was thicker now. There were cars cutting in front of us, large buses pulling in and away from the curb. People were everywhere; on bikes, walking on the sidewalks, wearing all manner of clothing and carrying all sorts of gear; brief cases, yoga mats,  cloth grocery bags. Taxis were zipping in and out of traffic. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and then.  I realized I really needed to pee. Really bad. I'm surprised I hadn't the urgency before now as I had been drinking a lot of water all day, wanting to be well hydrated.

I asked D to find a place where I could use the bathroom and up ahead he saw a Starbucks coffee shop. They are practically on every other corner in Vancouver, Like an old time big city driver, he quickly changed lanes and pulled around the back of the building where they had advertised parking. Parking is not easy to find in the city and it's not cheap but happily we parked in Starbucks small parking lot and we went into the coffee shop. As I went to the bathroom, he grabbed a Pike's Place coffee with the coffee card my best friend, T had given him for driving the girls home from summer camp.


As I came out, smelling the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee, D was there with a huge smile and waving his cup towards me.He loves coffee. I don't. I'm more of a tea gal, although I appreciate the joy it gives D.

                                      

We left the building and it was then, finally with my bladder empty, I felt like i could focus once again. I was able to look around. A few shops down, there was a beautiful community garden which made me feel so happy. It was nice to see veggies growing amongst sunflowers. D put his coffee in the car and we toured around.

After I felt restored by growing things in the middle of the city, we got back in the car, D with his coffee and me feeling a bit more balanced.

We hadn't gone far and things changed. Drastically. Some of the store fronts were boarded over and others had graffiti painted on the walls. Once beautiful hotels, were falling apart and there was this grimy, unkempt air to everything. Then, I noticed the people. They weren't walking in a purposeful fashion but were just singularly standing around, or in small groups talking, sitting on the sidewalk, laying on blankets, slowly pushing shopping carts. Probably loaded with all their worldly belongings. Then as we stopped for a light, I glanced down an alley way and saw a person stabbing their arm with a needle.



As quickly as we came upon this district, we moved through it and when I asked D where we were, he said we were now in the West Hastings district. Suddenly, the building fronts changed. There were high end shops, fancy restaurants and the office buildings were built of polished stone and glass. Each person seemed to be a fashion statement unto themselves. All were well dressed, perfectly coiffed, and carrying designer labelled shopping bags, leather brief cases or expensive purses. The cars around us as well, seemed to change and we were surrounded by shiny black Mercedes, BMW's and Land Rovers.

Then the energy changed again as we drove by a sign that said, "filming in progress." A further block down, a large, shiny bus turned towards us and on the side was a massive picture of the singer, Taylor Swift


D was checking addresses by this time and finally, he recognized the number for the Coal Harbour Eye Centre. It was located at the top of the building. The 27th floor. We drove a few blocks further until we found a place to park in front of large, well kept townhouses. Since we had made good time and were early, we decided to take our lunch and go for a walk. The Harbour was close, with lovely, tree lined walking trails and park benches scattered everywhere, beckoning us to come and sit..

I'm sure, to those of you who live in a city, this is not uncommon to observe. The contrasts of living conditions that is. We even have a few seedier parts of town within our own small community. Perhaps, I had lived too long in conservative, middle class luxury. I don't know but my head was reeling. We walked for a bit and finally found a nice place to settle, where we could eat the salad I had made earlier in the day. It was filled with veggie's from our garden and chunks of avocado and almonds from the market. It was blissful and yet, I couldn't get over the scenes I had just experienced. The extremes of life teaming in the streets was overwhelming to me. I felt a bit nauseous.

Here I was about to have my eye surgery, pay several thousand dollars for the service, and there were people just a few blocks away who didn't have food to eat or a safe place to live. As D and I talked about my feelings, which he too shared, we watched large yachts come and go out of the harbour.  A steady stream of people poured past us,, some walking and chatting easily, all nicely dressed, some jogging and wearing expensive running shoes. There were young women carrying little puppies in their purses and middle aged, well dressed woman pushing high end baby strollers. In the park bench over from us, an older man snoozed under a newspaper. Possibly a resident from East Hastings area, who had made his way up the street. I was on over load.

As we got up to leave, it was then that I saw a couple of sweet houseboat moored among large yachts on the dock. It made me so happy that I had to take a picture. (you know I'm into tiny houses) All of a sudden, Vancouver seemed to be a microcosm of the world at large and although there was a disparaging difference in social status and stations in life, everything suddenly had a place and fit.

I just fell in love with the houseboats in the middle of the dock full of large yachts....they made a great statement about how we as a society live our life...what do you see?

The rest of the afternoon flew by as an efficient group of professionals took care of my eyes. There were a few moments of anxiety but I would remind myself that this surgery is second nature to Dr. Kirzner and I was going to enjoy each moment. When they were actually doing the laser surgery, and I was laying on this high tech table, trying to stay perfectly still, I had this sense of being outside my body. I knew my body was on the table, under the laser as I could smell burning tissue, but I was flying amidst brilliant light filled energy and was at peace.

                         

Having that experience alone, was worth it all but then as I was resting in the recovery chair
less than 15 minutes after having the surgery, I opened my eyes and for the first time ever, I could see clearly. The pictures on the walls, the doors down the hall, and even D who had come in to join me in the recovery room. Then the surgical assistant walked by and whispered, "rest your eyes." That moment was something I will never forget. It was a moment that I had had before.  In my dreams.

I was the second last patient of the day and by the time we got out to the car, rush hour was upon us. As D drove us to our hotel, I just closed my eyes behind the sunglasses they had given me. Once at the hotel, for some reason I was exhausted. There were quite a few eye drops I had to use at regular intervals but between those, I rested. Falling asleep easily. Finally, at 8 pm I woke up starving and we decided to venture out and get some dinner. We didn't travel far and found the Ole Spaghetti Factory.

It was absolutely a delight being waited on. Not having to make dinner, clean up or wash the dishes. You could have given me anything to eat and I would have appreciated it but my Thai Pasta was truly delish. Being with D was new again. We are so used to having our children around us 24/7, that it's quiet and empty when it's just the two of us. We talked about our life, the trip and our dreams for the future.

Day 2 after my eye surgery.....coming out of our hotel and the day is gorgeous

Trying to do a selfie with my 6'2" husband...33 great years!

My appointment the next day went well. Without a hitch. My contacts hadn't moved. They are like bandages and cover the eyes until the outer surface, called the epithelium, grows back.Although it would have been exciting to spend the rest of the day in Vancouver, since there was going to be fireworks and music in the evening, I didn't know how I would be feeling later and so we drove home.

Before leaving the coast though, we stopped in at the Aberdeen cemetery to sprinkle some dried lavender on my mom and both sets of grandparents graves. Then we continued through the Fraser Valley, heading east towards home.

As we were driving into my old hometown, I had to take a picture of this sign which really is how I live my life......

As we left the highway I quickly snapped this picture heading into the place I was born

 David and I decided to stop for lunch in Hope and visit my Dad's grave. I found it easily, as there is a little pinwheel next to his marker. As I said Hi to Dad and shook the remaining dried lavender blossoms on his grave, the wind suddenly picked up even though it had been still only a moment before. It whooshed in and the little buzzing bee pinwheel spun and spun. I could  feel Dad smiling and felt love all around.

My Dad, Marvyne Derwent Clark...born in April of 1920 and died in Sept of 1965

After visiting mom who was laid to rest next to her mom and dad and seeing Dad's parent's together, I felt kind of sad that Dad was all alone. Then I noticed all the babies buried around him.I had lost my Dad when I was small, and many parents had lost their babies all too soon as well but my Dad and their babies were together. Reminded me that we are all connected on this earth. Coming in and going out. But while we are alive, do we remember our connection?

The trip had been filled with so many insights.

The kids were so happy to have us home as we seldom leave them for more than a few hours but they took care of each other and did really well while we were away. My eyes have been healing really fast and when I went in for a check up on the following Tuesday morning, my Dr. was able to remove my contact lens/bandages. Since then, my eye sight has been getting better and better.

The images I saw when driving from East to West Hastings didn't leave me. As well as visiting my parents and grandparents graves. I am very aware that life is brief. We only have a blink of an eye to do what we need to do on earth, see what we need to see, and to make a difference. As my vision healed, I have been asking myself what I can do. What kind of difference can I make in the world. How can I remind the world that we are one. Then I had another revelation. I'm already well on my way.

I have been drinking my green drink each morning. I go out each morning with my little ones in tow. We collect kale, swiss chard, parsley, carrots, spinach, cucumbers and add an apple from the fridge. I juice it and then pour my green juice into a blender which has crushed ice, some almond milk, a few tbsps of ground flax seed, a banana, some yogurt and finally a few scoops of my "All Greens" powder. I blend it and sit somewhere peaceful and drink it. Our little kids love it so much and get really excited when they hear my juicer start. Our skin is all glowing.

Tori was so happy to have her mommy home and asks all the time how my eyes are doing....don't you LOVE the glasses...the boys say they remind them of the wrestler (Randy Savage) who used to wear something similar

Tori giving Kate a "squeezes hug"...she is very touchy feely and loves to get close

Sometime throughout the morning, I sit and meditate on my yoga mat and then I do some sun salutations, work on my plank, my bridge, a shoulder stand and finally a balancing pose. The little kids sometimes join me in doing a downward dog and cat stretches. They like animal poses.

I have been working in my garden, harvesting herbs and setting them up to dry. I have picked our hot peppers and dried them in the food dehydrator (see me using it for my Kale chips below)

Looking back over the whole experience to repair my vision, I realized that I'm not just seeing things clearer with my eyes but with my heart as well.

My beautiful sunflowers...bees just love them!

The kids all help me pick beans....isn't my garden lush...but the grass sadly is so dry. My next vision is less grass and more food...an edible oasis for a backyard

Will often eats more than he puts in his bowl

Taking a break to have a drink of water and thinking how lovely my cultivator looked lying still...sometimes we have to just be to really see

I've run out of room in my laundry room drying rack and moved my peppermint out to the garage...oh fragrant tea!

While it makes me sad that we live in a world with such diversity with regards to wealth, I realized that if I want things to change, I have to hold the vision of how I want the world to become. I would love for everyone to be able to have clear vision if that is their desire. Why should anyone have blurry vision when there is the technology to improve eye sight? Why should anyone go hungry, when there is food enough in the world but often it's just a distribution issue. Surely, this is something we can solve. Why should anyone be homeless when so many of us have more rooms than we need? Why should there be medicine and yet some people are not able to access it? This list goes on.

Our world is changing though. I can see it and feel that things are moving from polarity into a unified energy field. We are coming around to the idea that we are one. That every action on earth as a reaction.

Then it also occurred to me that before I can heal the world, I have to start by healing myself.

I AM taking those steps by having my eye surgery and caring for my own health, eating as healthy as I can, practicing my yoga, staying connected to spirit with my meditation, working in the garden with my plants and my little people. And now taking time to blog about the journey, and all the people who have touched my life, are touching my life. Hopefully, making me more loving and compassionate. .

It starts with a vision.


What is your vision?


As you contemplate that question and think about your dreams, perhaps you'd like to make the following Kale Chip recipe and listen to the following song. I've been singing it a lot lately. Humming it under my breath, I can see clearly now.

Check it out...if you can't see the video below, click on the hyper-link. Thanks for coming and visiting...I hope to see you soon. Here is the video of Johnny Nash's song called, "I can see clearly now." I hope you enjoy it...

It's going to be a sun shiny day!

Before I went on our trip, I discovered a great Kale Chip recipe. It comes from the book called, "Live Raw" by Mimi Kirk. The recipe is below but check out her You tube video where she makes the chips. I love her! If you want further inspiration, check out her marvelous web site.
  
 Each time I watch her, videos, her energy resonates with me and more and more, I'm eating raw. If you have some Kale and are wondering what to do with it, try making these crispy chips.Thanks Mimi...your vision to spread love and wisdom for healthy living is coming through loud and clear. Also, I have been thinking that when we eat raw, we vibrate with light filled energy...and that is a great state in which to manifest our dreams. Enjoy!

Mimi Kirk's Kale Chip Recipe

Ingredients

1-2 bunches of curly or dino kale
For one bunch use the following measurements, for 2 bunched double the recipe.
5-6 tablespoons virgin olive oil
4-5 tablespoons gluten free tamari, depending how salty tasting you like them

Nutritional yeast, I just pour on top and mix with tongs until leaves are coated. It’s your choice how cheesy you like them. I like them cheesy.
Sprinkle in seasonings of choice, example; cumin, curry, pizza seasoning, or none if you prefer, it’s good just with the nutritional yeast.

Directions.

Remove stem from kale and place in a bowl. Try to obtain large pieces as the kale shrinks in the dehydrator.
Pour the olive oil on top and mix with tongs until leaves are coated. Add the tamari and mix again. Lastly, add nutritional yeast and any seasonings you choose, and mix again. Nutritional yeast get thick when damp, so make sure to scrape sides of the bowl to incorporate.
Place on mesh screen of dehydrator tray and spread out somewhat. One bunch of kale will usually make 3 trays. Dehydrate 3 or more hours at 105–110 degrees until crispy like a potato chip.

Fresh kale from the garden...after juicing and making salads with it...I love to make Mimi's kale chips...

My kids love it too and now I wish I had planted more Kale!

The dehydrator makes really crispy kale chips and is a really useful appliance if eating raw food is your thing

Even Harry likes it and that is telling you something

Thanks again for hanging in there and reading this whole blog post. I know it was L o n g....I appreciate you visiting so much and helping me ...."Heal Our Planet Earth"....let Hope be our vision.

Until we meet again, may you be well, happy and peaceful.

Blessings from Hope

For the love of cats.....Saying Goodbye to May Ling

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.” ~Anatole France~

Do you ever wonder about the amazing gifts our pets bestow upon us? I have been pondering this ever since our 13 year old cat, May Ling disappeared 10 days ago. One day she was very much a part of our lives, always meowing for attention and jumping on anyone who sat for more than a minute, and the next moment she had vanished.Not a trace of her anywhere. I don't know what is worse, not knowing where she is, or what become of her, or my guilt over feeling that I didn't love her enough.

May Ling (the light cat) and Ryuuki on our window seat

Oh, I know that sounds wicked. I mean who wouldn't love a cuddly, sweet, adorable cat? The only thing she ever wanted to do ever since she arrived on our doorstep was to love and be loved. Unconditionally. But I just couldn't open my heart wide enough to embrace her fully. You see, the fall that she was born, (Oct 28, 2001) I had finally become pregnant with our Soulbaby. A baby that we had tried a long time to conceive. We got pregnant right after the September 11th terrorist attack. Although it was an unbelievable dark time in the world, getting pregnant at last, was a tiny bright spot full of hope in our lives.

Our first beloved Siamese cat named, Ninja, had died at the ripe old age of 16 the year before, and once we became pregnant with Soulbaby, D and I thought it would be a good time to give our children a new cat. In early November, we met a local breeder of Siamese cats. Her female had just had kittens and D and I went to meet the kittens. I fell in love with a little male AND his sister who were both Seal point Siamese, which was Ninja's colouring. Although we planned to get only one cat, we left the breeder's home with a sales agreement for the little male and the female.

Sadly, at the end of November, I miscarried Soulbaby. It had been a really difficult experience, as I went in to check on baby at 10 weeks and baby's heart beat had just stopped based on the ultra sound dating. Since I was still in the 1st trimester, my Doctor thought I should just let things happen naturally. I waited and waited but nothing happened. Finally, at almost 12 weeks, I went in for a check up only to discover my uterus had continued to grow, as if it wasn't ready to say good bye. Due to the risk of infection, at 12 weeks, I went in to the hospital for an induced miscarriage.

Even though we were grieving over the loss of Soulbaby, we decided that we would move ahead with the purchase of the kittens. Just before Christmas, we picked up little Samurai and Misumi. They were so tiny and sweet, little creamy white balls of fur. The female, Misumi, adjusted to life in our busy home easily, eating and racing around with her little grey tail flying in the air. Sammy was quiet and seemed to enjoy sleeping on the velvet pillow I placed in front of our gas fireplace. He didn't seem to be thriving so we decided to take him into our vet for a check up. We were sent home with special kitten food and formula with little bottles for him to take in a bit more nourishment.
 
While D and the kids went up skiing over Christmas, I carried Sammy around in my arms, feeding him and telling him to fight and live up to his Samurai, warrior name. He grew weaker and weaker though and after several more days we took him back to the vet who told us that they believed the kitten had some abnormality with his digestive system.They agreed to take him in and try to get him to rally but he never did. After 2 more days the vet suggested we put him to sleep. He was 10 weeks old when we watched him close his eyes for the last time. I had lost my Soulbaby at 10 weeks and now little Sammy at 10 weeks.

We wrapped him in a little fur blanket and he was gently put in a little box. We carried him, light as a feather, home and D, dug a grave next to where Ninja was buried. D made a heart shaped plaque with his name and age and we said a tearful goodbye. I never knew I could cry so hard for a kitten but the tears poured out of me. I cried for the loss of our baby and now for this tiny innocent life. Had I done enough to keep him alive? .

I was really mad at the breeder too because I felt she had let the kittens be weaned too soon. If he had had a bit more time with his mother, I felt he would have had a good chance but she had said that the mom hadn't been very strong after the birth of the kittens and weaning early seemed like the best thing to do. As compensation for Samurai's loss, (could there be any?) she said that she had one female left. She was the runt of the litter and the breeder had been giving her extra attention to make sure she survived. She was a blue lynx point, taking after the father, and the breeder said she was very sweet-natured.

Although, I had really wanted a brother, sister set, we agreed to take the female and the moment we met her we could see that she was a lovely kitten. She had been babied though and she was used to LOTS of attention. That was great for our kids who just loved the two sisters. We were so focused on ensuring the new kitten, who we named, May Ling grew. We gave her lots of special kitten food and she quickly developed a fat tummy which prompted the kids to affectionately call her, "Wide Load."

She was a sweet kitten and the two sisters were such a joy to have in our home but I never spent too much time cuddling them or giving them too much attention. I was still grieving for Soulbaby and reeling over the loss of Sammy. I couldn't keep my baby or the tiny kitten alive and I can remember feeling so inadequate as a mother. I was in a fog.

By the time Spring came and the sun with it, our oldest daughter Alyssa and May Ling were connected. As soon as Alyssa came home from school, May Ling would be by her side.
 Misumi, who grew into an adventurous, fearless cat, was beloved by our boys. With the warm days of spring, I found joy emerging and before March ended I discovered I was pregnant once again. Our 5th child, Grace Elizabeth, arrived the following December. She was born one year and a week after we said a final goodbye to Soulbaby.

Christmas 2002 was happy in our house with a healthy baby girl and our kittens had grown into mischievous cats. With 5 children ranging in age from 12 to newborn, I of course was focused on keeping the kids healthy and happy. My vision of a great marriage, beautiful children and 2 cats in the yard had come true.

May Ling was always wanting to be in every picture and family celebration

During the 2008 summer, Misumi went missing. We were all so devastated and May Ling went around crying for her sister. As a result of posters we had put up in the neighbourhood, one of our neighbours called to say that he had found her and taken her remains to the SPCA. She had been hit by a car. Even though we had contacted the SPCA, they never told us of the dead Siamese that had been brought in. We all cried and cried but another piece of me grew even more distant from May Ling. I also felt so guilty that Misumi had been killed by a car...something that we should have prevented by keeping her in the house. I was more mindful after that, ensuring May Ling was in the house but that wasn't ever a problem as she was a homebody.

May Ling always liked being in all the action...if I was in the kitchen...she was either sleeping near by or watching what I was making

It was hard on May Ling when Alyssa went off to University that fall. She would go around meowing miserably for her girl. When I got pregnant with Will that fall we decided to go ahead and get another Siamese, more for May Ling than anyone else. Ryuuki, (which means little dragon) came into our home a tiny but rowdy little scruff of fur. Even though May Ling had been on the scene first, he quickly showed her that he was in charge even though he was 1/2 her size. She seemed to be okay with that as long as he let her sleep next to him.

Our little dragon, Ryuui became May Ling's cat companion after her sister Misumi died

Alyssa was home from University last summer...May Ling was always in her lap

This last Spring, I knew in my heart that May Ling wasn't going to be with us much longer. I didn't know how much longer we had with her but she seemed to be wasting away. All of our Siamese cats get very sleek and trim in the summer so perhaps the loss of her weight wasn't so much a concern but it was the look she gave me that told me the end was coming. Every time I would sit down too she was right there wanting attention and she would look up into my eyes with such love. She seemed to be getting around well, although occasionally, it appeared she had sore joints. She would still follow me out and around the garden and she was certainly eating with her usual delicate appetite...no longer the wide load of her youth.

After Alyssa left home, Clark was always good for a good sit

On the day that she went missing, I had spent it with my sisters at a lavender farm, where we learned to make wreaths. When I arrived home later in the afternoon, I don't recall seeing May Ling. I hurriedly made a couple pizzas, one to take to my sister's home as she had invited us out for the evening and one to leave with the kids who would stay home. We spent the evening visiting my sisters and their husbands and when we returned late in the evening, the last thing I was thinking about were our cats. It had been a long, delightful day and besides, Grace had been taking care of the cats. She was responsible for feeding them twice a day.I feel bad now, not knowing exactly when our sweet girl may have gone missing.

Enjoy the beauty of life...a picture from the lavender farm...July 22nd when May Ling went missing

When she didn't show up the next day, I knew something was wrong. As I got the little kids ready for swimming lessons in the morning, May Ling wasn't meowing for her breakfast which often annoyed me as I had so many mouths to feed. I would yell to Grace, "feed the cats!" as I would race out the door with the little kids but that morning even Ryuuki wasn't around. He often sleeps in though so that wasn't my concern....not seeing May Ling worried me, Already my gut was telling me something wasn't right.

 

Well we did the usual. Called the SPCA. I whistled and called her name. We walked and drove around the neighbourhood but there wasn't any sign of her. For the last week we have left the doors open, just in case she should walk back home. I have been haunted by her beautiful blue eyes though. They follow me everywhere, during my wakeful hours and in my sleep. Several nights after she disappeared, I had a dream of my mother holding her gently in her arms, telling me that she was okay and she would love her now. (My mother passed away 3 years ago but always loved our cats)

Since then I have had to let go to a degree for the sake of my well being, but still, she is in my conscious thoughts. Here is what she has taught me, or perhaps the better word would be reminded me.

Our fur friends remind us that life is short.

To be loving, both giving and graciously receiving, while we are here.

Be at peace, have lots of naps and look for fun things to do whenever we can.

They are gifts that come for a brief part of our lifetime and for us to really learn from them, we need to love them well, with all our hearts and with full abandon. They give us far more than we can EVER give them in return.

In hindsight, I wished I had loved her better. I wished I had taken a bit more time to rest and let her sleep in my lap. I wished I had told her what a wonderfully lovable cat she was and how thankful I was to have her in our family.

 I know that I wasn't the best cat mom to her but I have learned my lesson. Ryuuki is getting all of the attention right now and lapping it up. He doesn't seem to be distraught over her disappearance. He is just living his life and enjoying his family. Perhaps he is teaching me another valuable lesson.

"Love the one your with|"

Wherever you are May Ling...you were a GREAT cat. Thank you!....we will love you forever!

If you can't see the above video...here's a hyper-link to listen to "Love the One Your With/"

Until we meet again, may you be well, happy and peaceful.

Blessings from Hope