Oh the blessing of free will. Some may call it a curse. Some may call it a gift. Last week, I made a number of excellent choices and then some that, in hindsight, I wished I had not made. But then even as I write these words I know, even our worst choices bring insights and so it's all good.
As you probably recall from reading my last blog post called, "When Things Fall Apart," a number of things were breaking down in our household. Things did not improve as the week unfolded, despite my new mantra expecting only Marvelous things to occur.
On Thursday morning, again the house was very chilly when we awoke and when I went to turn on our gas powered furnace, I didn't hear that warm hum. I cycled power and it worked for a bit and then stopped. Big problem. Direction? To call our furnace repair guy. Result. He's coming later in the afternoon.
Of course, he came exactly when I was due to pick up our University son from the bus and right after that I was due to take Grace to her piano lesson. Thankfully, D had agreed to come home, (his office is about a 5 minute drive away) which is a good thing since I don't understand the language of the skilled trades person. After they come to look at whatever it is that is not working, they try to explain what is wrong and how they plan to fix it and frankly, I'm always surprised that they don't notice my perplexed facial expression because they continue to talk, as if we are on the same page. Thank you D for coming to my rescue.
In the meantime, I was ready to bundle up the little girls into the van to go and collect Clark, but when I looked out at our drive-way, I see the repair man's truck is squarely in the path of my van. I decided to wait until D arrived home so I could leave the little ones with him and steal his little economical red Honda Fit. His treasured car I might add, which is really funny when I think of how times have changed. When I met him he had just sold his red Corvette and bought a Camaro. Again, it's interesting the roads we choose to travel as well as how we choose to travel them.
Anyway, I zoomed up the hill, picked up Clark, who had been waiting for awhile, and arrived home just as the school bus was dropping Grace and Will off. Since it was a cold day, the first thing I noticed when I saw Will come into our yard was, that his head was bare. As he was coming into the house I asked, "Where is your new hat Will?" He sloughed off his new coat, {remember the one in which I had to replace the zipper recently? And, further to that, the one that I'd bought because I had fallen in LOVE with the HAT which happened to go beautifully with the jacket) and said, "M, took it off." "What?" I said. He replied, "M took it while I was on the bus."
Although I knew I had to be out the door shortly to take Grace to piano, I tried to clarify where his hat was since I KNOW from experience, the longer something goes missing, the chance of getting it back are slim. Amber Alert starts to flash in my mind. As it turned out, based on both Grace and Will's statements, Will had his new hat when he got on the bus and while he was looking out the window, " M", who was sitting beside him, took it off. Will asked for his hat back but she was looking away, when he asked again, she didn't respond. She got off the bus before him and he didn't get his hat back.
Well, even though I was conscious, EXTREMELY, consciously aware of my feelings, anger, starting to bubble up from an unknown source, anger and frustration that another child should remove our son's hat, I still made the "choice" to continue down this path. In fact, I became even more livid as I tried to find M's phone number but there are like 50 people with her last name in our phone book. And remember, this is a small town! I tried calling a few who live in our area but each time it was the wrong number. Glancing at my watch, it was time to take Grace to her piano lesson. I grabbed an apple, an orange, some crackers and cheese and threw them on a plate for the children's after school snack, Grace snatched a bit of everything and we were out the door.
Thank heavens, our older son was home to keep an eye on the little ones. On the way out of our sub-division we stopped off at the cul-de-sac, where Grace thought the M girl lived on. She had seen her get off the bus with her younger sister and she was pretty sure she knew which house they lived in. M is Grace's age. Actually, in the same grade but in a different class and so she is familiar with her. We stopped at the house where she thought she lived and I rang the bell. No answer. We continued to piano.
Although I like to stay for her 3/4 hour lesson, that day I had to run and pick up Harrison after his jazz band practice. On my way back to our area, I decided to stop once again at M's house. This time a teenage boy answers and said, "No, she didn't live there, but there are two girls next door." Quickly, keeping an eye on the time, I ran next door and rang the bell. A young, Filipino woman came to the door. I explained nicely to her that our kindergarten son was sitting beside M on the bus earlier and he said, she had taken his hat. I wanted to know if she knew anything about it.
The woman looked shocked and while she was apologetically saying, "oh my, I'm sorry, what does it look like?" as she was rummaging around a backpack at the door, I told her that it was black with a red stripe and cool brim. She shook her head no and said it wasn't in M's back pack. She further said, M was at her dance class but she would talk to her when she picked her up. I assumed she was the nanny, as she referenced her employer a few times. Before I left, I mentioned that I was surprised M was sitting with Will at all, since I understood the older children were suppose to sit at the back of the bus. My older daughter doesn't even sit with him. She just looked at me blankly, like she didn't know what the rules were, so I gave her my phone number and said, "thanks."
I was still pretty annoyed at this point. I was thinking back to a time when my oldest son got off the bus without his rather expensive ski gloves we had purchased for him. He always had cold hands so we made sure to get a really warm pair this particular winter. He said one of the kids grabbed them and threw them to the back of the bus and for awhile all the kids were throwing them around. This was a Friday and our family was going skiing that weekend. We never got those gloves back.
Ever since our children were small, we have taught them to take care of their things, to appreciate what they have and to understand it takes effort to provide nice things for them. While some may feel that this is putting too much emphasize on stuff, I believe it teaches them to respect belongings. Theirs and other people's. While I understand we all choose different parenting philosophies, at the very least, respecting other people's space and their, "things." is in my opinion, a really important lesson in life.
I got to the high school and Harrison didn't come out. I shut off the car engine, text him but he didn't respond. I raced into the school, knowing Grace's piano lesson was going to end soon, and stopped outside of the band room. Teens were flying out and thankfully, one asked who I was looking for and I told him. He replied that Harrison wasn't there that day. The band teacher, Mr. M. must have seen me at the door, as he came over and said Harrison hadn't shown up after school. Was there a Dr.'s appointment or something? I just shook my head, smiled and decided to check out the gym. I continued down the hall and who do I see shooting hoops with a few other boys? Harrison.
When he saw me, he quickly collected his belongings and came out rather sheepishly. I asked him why he wasn't at his jazz band practice and he mumbled something about, not wanting to go.. He perked up and said, "oh Mom, I'm number one on the list posted for the basketball team." I nodded my acknowledgement, but I didn't let the first part slide. As we walked down the hall, I asked him why he didn't go to band and he said he wanted to play basketball instead after school. By this time we were outside the band room, so I told him that he better go and apologize to his band teacher.
As it turned out Harrison was not in Mr. M's good books anyway. At the band concert, the night before, he had apparently been talking and laughed briefly, during the 5 minute Bach flute solo. Mr. M had had words with him and the other boy involved after the concert. In addition, he was annoyed when he told the jazz band to make some "noise," while warming up and Harrison had done just that, TOO much, in Mr. M's estimation. Harrison later told me it was a GREAT fill! (Harrison plays the drums by the way) D and I were at the back of the concert room so we never heard anything but we were not looking for poor behavior. He played really well as far as we were concerned (you can always hear your child when they play drums) but he had clearly made some bad choices during the concert for sure.
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| Harrison right before his band concert last Wednesday night |
He apologized to Mr. M over his prior night's behavior and not attending his band practice and we were back in the van to pick up Grace, with me talking, Harrison would say, lecturing, about the choices we make in life and the results we desire. Ownership and being respectful, being the theme. We arrived 5 minutes late to pick up Grace, who was getting cold as it was getting dark by this point. The rest of the night went off without a hitch, dinner, clean up, bath, stories, bed. It was when I was making children's lunches for the next day that I received a phone call.
It was M's mom calling about my query over Will's hat. She was absolutely spitting mad and told me that under no circumstances should I have come to her door, upsetting her nanny, and accusing her daughter of taking Will's hat. She further went on to say that her child was kind hearted and would NEVER take someone's hat. I tried to explain that this was blown WAY out of proportion but she had made up her mind as to my intentions. I told her that I was simply wanting to get his hat back and I started on the trail of the missing hat based on where Will thought it was. She basically said, I shouldn't listen to something a kindergarten aged child said and I should look around our house for the lost hat which will most likely turn up.
Near the end of our conversation, she threw this out, "It is JUST a HAT." As if I were being ridiculous and out of line. I explained that we do have 8 children to cloth and it isn't just a hat to us but the principal of teaching our children to be responsible with their things. She then, quite condescendingly said, "we probably can find a few hats lying around here if you really need one." At that point, I knew we weren't getting anywhere. I apologized if her nanny was upset by my appearance and before we said goodbye, I mentioned that I had called the school, left a message with the principal as I wanted to discuss bus seating policy and the incident.
I didn't sleep that night. I kept thinking about the choices I had made with regards to the actions of the missing hat. Was it just a hat or was it the principal of other people being disrespectful towards our belongings? Also, on my mind was my beautiful teenage son, who was making his own choices. Sometimes not the best ones. I went to sleep finally, thinking about hats, drum sticks, and conversations all playing out in my mind.
Things always look better in the morning. The house was warm as the furnace had been repaired. The little girls had a lovely morning at preschool and when we arrived home at lunch time, I received a phone call from D. He said that the principal, Mr. S. had apparently tried to contact me but I was having tea with an old friend and I hadn't been checking my messages. D said that Mr. S had taken the steps of having all the people involved in the hat fiasco, into his office. As it turns out, a girl by the name of, get this, HOPE, had taken Will's hat off his head. She had been sitting behind him on the bus and when she got up to get off at her stop, she had dropped it behind his back. She thought he would have noticed but he didn't. Apparently, this time Hope was the culprit but she told Mr. S that other children had been doing it as well, namely, M and her younger sister, D. M admitted that yes, she had done it before. It was unclear whether M was aware this time that Hope had taken Will's hat although she had been the one to say Hope should also be included in the meeting. The Principal told them both that he had zero tolerance for hat removal, or any touching of other people's belongings whatsoever. They were being warned that if he hears about this again, they will be off the bus.
Was I feeling vindicated? Well, sort of. But then, crazy me, I try to think about it from the other person's perspective and I see that I could have handled it differently. First I could have stayed in my Zen place. I could have let the incident go totally and just bought Will a new hat. Although, saying that, I have to qualify that by saying, this hat was PERFECT. Also, as you know, I'm careful with our money and gee, did I really have to buy a new hat when we had a perfectly good hat "somewhere." So yeah, I was unresolved even after all of this was hashed out. The right choice is not always clear and we never know what the outcome will be when we go down a certain path.
Mr. S, the Principal, did track down Will's hat. It was left on the bus and he has given instructions for the bus people to return it to Will today. The bus should be dropping the kids off shortly and it will all be resolved. Until the next time that is.
I know this is just one incident in my life, one week of choices, but the real point here is, when we have the will power to choose which direction we are going to take, in every aspect of our life, the choices we make always impact more than ourselves and no matter which way we go, if we are open to it, we learn our biggest lessons in life and we teach as well. Yes, I could have taken the higher road and let the hat go. We would have ALL lived in peace and harmony, EXCEPT, until the next time one of the kids on the bus (or in life) thinks nothing of messing around with other people's things. Isn't it part of our job as a community to teach identify moral lessons? It's part of living in a peaceful society.
Also, another big lesson I want my children to learn is that stuff isn't important. I know, I know, this is a contradiction of what I have been talking about but the a particular piece in the scripture has always stayed with me from my childhood Sunday school lessons and that is, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6) This bible verse has always resonated with me and I'd like to believe I'm not materialistic.
Everything we have been given of material goods, is to bring us joy on the earth, make life easier and being grateful for those things is an important lesson too. I hope our children learn a few lessons from this whole experience, all of our children, Will, Grace, Harrison, etc...that respect is an important part of living on this earth, and choosing to be kind. Always kind. When we take that path, we are never wrong.
Well, I must close but before I do, I want to give you the recipe for my ginger snap cookies which I think are the perfect choice to go with late fall/early winter weather. I have a full cookie jar with these cookies right now thanks to my dear, DEAREST, son Harrison. While D and I were out doing our Christmas shopping for his oldest sister Alyssa yesterday, (who will NOT be home this Christmas and we want to send her a package soon) he had made a huge batch of these for the family. (Alyssa would love these too...they are her fav) I came home to a hot cup of tea and a plate of cookies. I showed him how to sprinkle an icing sugar star on top. They were so delicious that I thought I would add them to this blog post today. Thank you Harrison. I respect your excellent baking skills.
I hope you enjoy them too, if you want to make them more festive, simply make a stencil of a star or whatever...maybe I should have put a hat on our cookies. Whatever choices you make on this earth, I hope the lessons that result are gentle,
Harrison's Ginger Snaps
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup of margarine or butter, softened
1/4 cup molasses
1 egg
21/4 cups all purpose flour (Harrison used whole wheat yesterday and it was great)
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp cloves
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 cup sugar
In a large bowl, beat 1 cup sugar, margarine, molasses and egg until light and fluffy. Stir in remaining ingredients except 1/4 cup sugar, mix well. Cover with plastic wrap; refrigerate 1 hour for easier handling. (You don't have to do this last step...Harrison didn't yesterday and they were great)
Heat oven to 350 degree F. Shape dough into 1 inch balls; roll in 1/4 cup sugar. Space 2 inches apart on un-greased cookie sheets. Bake at 350 degree F. For 8 to 12 minutes or until set. (Cookies will puff up and then flatten during baking.) Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheets. Cool completely.
Yields 3-4 dozen
We double the recipe for our large family so they last the week.
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| Will just came home and look what is on his head!
Looking at the above picture, it reminds me me of a story Dr. Wayne Dyer tells, of a woman who was walking on the beach with her small son. Suddenly, a huge wave washes upon the shore and pulls her son into the ocean. She gets down on her hands and knees and cries, "Oh God, please, please, bring my son back to me!" On the next wave her son reappears, none the worse for wear. She looks him over from top to bottom and says, "but he was wearing a HAT"
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Until we meet again, may you be well, happy and peaceful.
Blessings from Hope
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