A few nights ago, I was packing up care packages for each of our older children, who are all living in Victoria, on Vancouver Island. Our two sons, Mitchell and Harrison, are at University and our oldest daughter, Alyssa, is working as a teacher and a writer.
I miss them.
I miss them terribly.
My heart is thrumming a longing beat, sitting outside the tight drum of my chest. I wonder if people I meet sense the deep ache inside of me? I've been really good ever since saying goodbye to them after Christmas, after all I stay busy with our five children still at home. But our family has always celebrated Valentine's day in a special way and I miss knowing they won't find chocolate outside of their bedroom door tomorrow.
So I pack up small boxes loaded with treats uniquely chosen for each of them. Things, even if they had extra money, they would not purchase. Chocolate for sure, and other small treasures. I know it's not environmentally the best choice. My husband tells me he will send them a bit of money and each of them can pick up a treat but I know they won't. I know that each of them lives close to their pocket book and the extra money will just go into paying their bills or buying their necessities.
As I place each item in the box, I add a note and share a back story on the things selected. It's going to cost a small fortune in shipping. But I am visualizing their smiles as they open their box and the joy in their eyes, as they discover treats chosen just for them. Thinking about their heart filling up, takes the ache out of mine.
I think a person loves better after experiencing loss. I've lost many people in my life. My dad as a young child, my grandparents, friends, aunts, uncles, pets. I've lost babies too. And six years ago, at the end of this month, I lost my mom.
Losing those you love is not an easy experience. The grief can be overwhelming and can take you to the darkest places in your life. By the time, my mom passed away though, I had come to the belief that we are souls first, living an earthly existence. Having that belief makes it easier for me to say goodbye for I know she only left her body, but her spirit didn't leave me. I can still feel the vibration of her love around me and that is something I want to share with our children.
Especially the ones who won't be with me this Valentine's day. I want to put a little love into their heart.
I hope it bubbles up and spills from their hearts and flows into all the people in their life and continues to spread throughout the world. And by the end of the day, the whole world is harmonizing with that humming feeling of love.
We will all being humming with, "Bhava" which is the sanskrit word for love as a process or as a feeling or state of being.
This past weekend was extra long because of our Provincial family day. The kids worked on making homemade Valentine's day cards...notice the girl's smiles...they are starting to lose teeth!
Most people do way more than we do at Valentine's but here the kids are making cards and putting a sucker in each card. Between them they made 66 cards. In their teacher's card they tapped a red ball point pen.
A happy family day celebration! We are sending love to all our family and friends on Valentine's day!
If you're not interested in listening to some of my thoughts, and just want to make some great banana muffins, then scroll down and I'll meet you at the bottom of this page.
If you ARE interested in hearing my reasons for NOT home-schooling, then continue on.
Warning though, it's a bit of a novella. You may want to get a big cup of tea.
Let's chat.
If you're in this parenting gig too, you may be able to relate to some of my thoughts on the topic. If you are trying to decide how you want to educate your children, this post may give you a glimpse into what has worked for us, is continuing to work for us, and why we chose to make the choices we did/do.
What prompted this whole post, was partly my last post in January. It feels so long ago now. I shared feelings of floundering, ever since our twins started grade one last fall. After almost twenty eight years of raising children, having the house empty was a first for me.
I'm afraid I'm not one of those parents that sings, "hallelujah," when kids go back to school after the summer break.And on the last day of school in June, I'm one of the first parents to be standing outside the school, arms wide open, a big smile on my face, gleefully welcoming summer AND our children back home for two glorious months.
I'm waving at my dearest friend Tamara, who has stood next to me waiting for her kids too.
Choosing to send them to school is hard for me.
Every day.
This morning, when I went into William's still dark bedroom at 7 am to rub his back and whisper, good morning, he told me that he hadn't slept well last night. "Oh really," I said containing my excitement. "Do you think, maybe, ....you need to stay home?" I asked, silently hoping he would agree. "No, I want to go," he said, with a stretch and a yawn. "We are making some stuff for ground hog day."
~Sigh~
"Okay, cool," I said, feeling a bit deflated.
Then later, as the kids sat around the island, eating their fruit and oatmeal and I was warming up some baked beans for their lunch thermoses, Will said something totally out of the blue. "Mom, if you knew this was the last day that you had on earth, what would you do?"
WOW!
Where did that come from?
But looking at my son, his blonde curls messy from sleep, wearing his, "Happy New Year" pj's with a dog blowing a horn on the front, I'm not surprised. He lives in a state of light and often asks deep questions. I looked into his questioning blue eyes and told him,
"If this was the last day I had on earth, I would want to spend it with my kids."
That must have touched him, he got up, reached his arms around my neck and pulled me in close for one of his smacky kisses.
Oh YEAH!
I don't like sending them to school.
I would rather spend every day of their childhood with them.
Right now, as we move forward raising our last four children, I'm reevaluating my life. I'm trying to figure out who I am at this stage in my life and decide how I want to spend my spare time when our children are at school. Part of me wants to return to work full time. After all, the kids are gone for almost seven hours every day, five days a week. I can only clean the house so much; and I've discovered that in this tale end of my life, scrubbing floors and dusting is not how I want to spend my time. But as I type this post, I realize that educating our children isn't just about sending them off to school each day.
It's about being there when they get home and continuing the learning....in all ways.
Another reason this subject came up, is that recently one of my favourite vlogging families uploaded a video that spurred my thoughts on the matter. Like a dog that needs a walk, my thoughts have been mulling around my brain, words trailing like a leash, anxious to be picked up and allowed to run.
PLUS, this blog isn't just about becoming more sustainable, being environmentally aware, and earth friendly. It's evolving into a place where I can submerge my thoughts to a deeper degree and plunge into the ground, reflecting on how, a mom like me can really help our planet. A light bulb recently exploded and the notion of educating our children is where it's at. After all they are the next guardians on earth. Also, I like the idea of connecting with other moms.
Moms like me.
Darci Isabella, is such a mom.
She has a large family; like me. She grows her own food; like me. She juices and eats healthy; like me. She has chickens; like me. She is on a minimalist path; like me, She has a soulfull faith that guides her; like me. And she home-schools her children.
Not like me.
She is also, much funnier than me!!!
And can use power tools!
She recently uploaded a video titled, "Developing Positive Self Esteem," but the seeds of this vlog, deal with her choice to home-school her children. As I watched it, I started thinking about why we chose NOT TO home-school. If you want to have a peak at the video, click on the hyper link....or click below.
Isn't she the greatest!!!! I really love watching her videos. They are fun, upbeat, and EDUCATIONAL. Also, her children are lovely in every sense of the word and she shares them generously with the world.
Before I go further into my post, I have to say that I don't want this to be a debate about home-schooling versus public education. Not at all. Each has it's merits. Each family is unique, as are their children and their learning needs. Also, I realize that we all have different ideas and goals for our children. For instance, my mom just wanted her four daughters to just graduate from high school, since she had been unable to do so. Our over all goal, is to keep enough doors open, so our children can decide which one to enter when they become young adults. The big is that they be happy, well, and peaceful.
So our answers to the question.......
Are we going to home-school?
Are we going to use public school?
Are we going to use a private school?
will be different for each of us.
IT'S ALL GOOD!
In Darci's case she shares a rather humiliating experience that happened to her as a teenager in public school. What made this event worse, was she felt that she didn't have an adult to confide in.Then, she shared another experience when her first daughter was bullied in preschool and the teacher didn't react in a proactive manner. How unfortunate. I'm sure, she had other reasons and experiences too but after that last one, she said she decided to home-school her daughter and her subsequent children. It worked for her.
And is continuing to work for her, as she has older children and younger ones; like me.
Watching her video, got me thinking about how our own life events/experiences influence us and how we choose the various paths we take in life. For instance, my father was killed in a truck accident when I was five years old. I'm terrified when my husband has to travel by vehicle on business. But I let go and trust. When our older children got to driving age, my instinct was to sell our vehicles (my mom did that when I turned 16) and prevent them from driving.
But again, I let go and trusted.
Do I like letting go?
No!
Was it scary?
Yes, absolutely!
But it's part of this parenting gig.
I wasn't going to let my fears dictate which path our children would take. Although if you were to ask our children, there have been several times where I have been overly protective with regards to them driving with other parents, other teens, etc and that fear raised it's ugly head. Hey, we can't be perfectly brave all the time.
Trusting and letting go starts the moment our babies are born and continues as our children learn to walk, talk, and head in the direction of an independent life away from us.
Isn't that what we want for them?....an independent life?
But hey....before our kids took off driving, we made sure they had professional driving instructors prepare them for the road ahead.
And in a way, that's why we are choosing NOT to home-school. We feel that public school provides them with the experts in every field of study, who will teach them everything they need so they don't crash in life.
Just like Darci, our oldest daughter had a lot to do with the education choices we made. Alyssa, arrived in March 1990, and was born with a congenital brain abnormality. She had an agenesis of the corpus callosum. When we were released from the high risk maternity hospital in Vancouver, where she was born a month early, our pediatric neuro-surgeon, told us there were no studies with regards to our daughter's potential. He planned to follow her case and see her in the first year, but the last words he said to me on discharge were:
"take her home and treat her like normal."
WHAT?
I've written about this experience in another post, so I won't go into detail, but you can imagine, with that diagnoses hanging over our heads, the last thing we did was take her home and treat her like we hadn't heard...missing corpus callosum.
Hence, my foray into the world of science and all it knew AT THE TIME, regarding stimulating brains.
AND this was BEFORE internet!
In every way Alyssa developed beautifully as a baby, but not having children before meant we didn't know what was normal development. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Alyssa often calls herself the"experimental child," but isn't every first child that? In our case, not only were we ignorant regarding normal baby/child development, we didn't have a clue what to expect from our child. It was a whole new world for us, and scary at times.
We, therefore decided to try a bit of everything to stimulate her brain and expose her to all sorts of learning situations. We will never know for sure but I believe all the years of swimming, piano, and Irish Dancing, played a large role in rewiring her brain. All that movement between the right and left hands/arms and feet stimulated the right and left part of her brain.
Alyssa the summer before Kindergarten when she was five. She was developing normally in every way
By the time Alyssa was ready for kindergarten, she had been exposed to a multitude of activities and experiences. At times, I felt like we were overwhelming her. She was a gentle and peaceful little girl, who quietly went along with our game plan. From early on, I knew some of her favourite moments were when we curled up together in bed at night, reading about fairies and make believe lands.
Alyssa on her first day of kindergarten in Sept 1995
We thought the sun rose and set on her and she was brilliant. But that diagnoses, lingered above us always. To us, every decision we made was generated from a place of moving her forward and helping her to reach her full potential.
If I had been a trained teacher, I may have contemplated keeping her at home but I knew others, some with masters in their fields, were waiting at the school and ready to teach her. How could I not provide the best education for her in every area of study. Also, the area where we lived (we are still here) had/has an excellent elementary and high school, with high academic success. Keep in mind too, this was twenty two years ago, home schooling wasn't as big as it is now.
So with the decision made, we said goodbye, let go and trusted and she entered public school.
Alyssa waiting for the school bus with her little brother Clark. It's not always easy going to school!
And she didn't look back.
She THRIVED!
In kindergarten she met her best friend. Even though those girls have moved to different parts of the world, they remain BEST friends to this day. I often think, had I not put her in school, she would have missed out on having Brianna in her life.
Sadly, Brianna and her family moved to Mexico when they were in grade 5 but they kept in touch over the years and in the summers when her parents would return for a visit, the girls picked up exactly where they left off. Two years ago, Brianna married and Alyssa was her maid of honour. Soon she will have her first baby and I know who will be a special Auntie to this wee one.
Sometimes our friends, especially our girl friends, are as close as a sister would be and for years, Alyssa only had brothers so her friends were really important to her.
From left to right...Brianna, Alyssa, Ameila, and Maureen....Alyssa needed her girl friends with no sisters for many years...now she has three sisters although they are way younger than her
And by the time her little brother Clark was ready to start school, we were convinced school was working well for our family so we registered him too for public school. Alyssa set the tone. Clark was bright lad, an early reader, curious about everything, and educators recognized this quickly. He was placed in the high potential learning program early on, where further stimuli was provided to challenge him.
We did not however leave the education solely in our school's hands. We feel that they can provide a well rounded base for our children but we wanted them to be further stimulated.
When Alyssa, and her subsequent siblings came home from school, and it's something we still do today with our youngest children; we have a snack, we chat about our day and then the children go and spend about another hour to an hour and a half, working on their music, their math and any homework they have from school.
If you want to see how Canada's education ranks in the world, check out this National Post article which ranks Canada number 7 . Great! but in the area of math, we still need to work harder....or smarter.
Here are a few tools I use daily to have our children practice their math skills.
We use the IXL math site, and the Xtramath program to stay on top of their basic math skills.
Also, if we are going to be out after school and there may be any waiting time between activities, I make sure to provide age appropriate material. I often print off a few of these math sheets which the children whip off quickly from the K5 learning site.
I know, I know, you would think they would learn enough math during the day but they don't. Even though math is everywhere from telling time first thing in the morning, to baking with mom, to estimating how much snow fell overnight, it's something we need to keep working on. Practice, practice, practice, is what I have found in creating success in math for our children.
After dinner, it's bath and then we enjoy reading with our children, one on one and then we read in group settings. The little kids and I just finished reading, "Little House on the Prairie," and now I'm reading, "Little Women," to the twins. David and William cuddle together and are currently enjoying reading the "Harry Potter," books.
Grace followed in her siblings footsteps by loving books....Alyssa used to say, "she's a genius!" of her baby sister
In the summer we always have a family book on the go. I remember reading "Lord of the Flies," and "To Kill a Mockingbird," with our elementary age children and was happily surprised to realize they understood the underlining meaning of each book. You can never underestimate children's ability to discern complex issues. Sometimes they get it easier than we do as adults. We complicate things and our judgments get in the way.
Clark far left with his battle of the books team...he should be smiling BIG...'cause they were the district champs, Alyssa also participated in the Battle of the Books competition and her team won for the district two consecutive years
So yeah, math and reading, ARE huge in our house.
The other decision we made early on was to ask our children to pick one physical, and one fine art activity, outside of their school hours. Although they often did more than that, as they were passionate about several things and didn't want to give anything up. For instance, Mitchell loved cello and guitar so he had lessons in both, as well as being involved in a guitar group and the music school's string orchestra. As if this wasn't enough, he was also on the rep soccer team. This wasn't uncommon for any of our children. They all learned to balance and time manage from an early age and several of them have told me that learning to do well in school, while juggling extra curricular activities, conditioned them to be able to take on a full course load at University, as well as working part time. Alyssa worked on her ARCT in piano while doing a full course load at University.
Alyssa is all smiles after a piano festival...here is a certificate for first class honours
Alyssa danced all through her childhood starting with ballet, tap and then she Irish Danced for eight years. I will miss watching her ringlets bounce to the an Irish Reel.
Above she is with a few of her Irish dancing group at a community event
Alyssa on piano, Clark on violin and Mitchell on cello...later Harrison would join them as the second violinist in a few years...here they are playing at a school event. The song was "peaceful day"....but practicing this piece had been nothing but...still good memories!!!
Over the years the kids were in various skiing programs but I think they still loved skiing together the best...except the year Alyssa hit and tree with her head and had to be taken off the mountain in an ambulance!
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If you are wondering how we as parents juggled it all, financially anyway, we had the mind set that there was no do over. Our thought was that our children would have one childhood only to explore their interests and passions and figure out what they loved, and we would have to be creative paying for it all. It's interesting how when you commit to something, all sorts of material assistance comes your way. I also became a master at time management and organization. Some years, we were literally flying from activity to activity and we made a lot of financial sacrifices. It wasn't easy living on one income and yes, there was stress some days but when we reevaluated with our children at the beginning of each school year what their goals are, those were the choices we made.
Mitchell juggled playing cello and guitar, and all sorts of sports. Above he's holding an award from a cello festival and below, he's trying out a new guitar...I miss hearing him play both
Achieving success in these areas, built self confidence and strong positive self esteem, for all of us.
An unexpected bonus to these extra activities were that our children developed deep and lasting relationships with some of their teachers and coaches. These were valuable mentors in our children's lives. Life lessons were taught every day. For instance, when our oldest daughter was preparing for a piano festival one spring and starting to get really nervous about it, her teacher said these words,
"Alyssa, you have worked hard on these pieces and you are ready to perform them. What you need to do now is just relax and let the music out."
We have been fortunate.
Grace graduating from preschool above. YES, I did think this was a bit much but it's something they do at this preschool. She will graduate next from high school in 2021.
I understand why some parents choose to home-school their children so they can protect them from what could be perceived as negative experiences, such as bullying or peer pressure. Maybe they would prefer their children also aren't exposed to ideas and concepts being taught that they may not agree with. But at some point we need to let go don't we? At some point we need to let our children figure out how to manage in the world and also decide what ideas resonate within.
I believe it's these moments in life, these negative, not feel great at the time moments, that teach our children the most. I WANT them to experience these too. How else are our children going to learn to cope in the world? These moments provide a rich opportunity for them to think about how they are feeling, make choices on how they will react, and how they are going to solve the problem, whether it be a bullying situation, or a social issue as a teen, or learning to advocate for themselves with a teacher.
We experienced that last one with our son Mitchell when he was 10 and 11. He had a grade 5 teacher who had a notorious reputation for being a strict, control hungry bully. We would have preferred that he be placed in a different class but our thought process at the beginning of the year was, "well, in life we have to learn to get along with all sorts of people." It certainly was a year of growth and it had an ending that was unexpected.
Mitchell had good self esteem going into grade five and he was a straight A student. His teacher told him that he didn't give anyone straight A's out of principal, no matter how hard they worked...and Mitchell worked hard. His teacher was unfair, not respectful of the children and ranted on for what felt like hours to Mitchell about insignificant issues. He wanted to get on with learning.
One day Mitchell had enough when his teacher again was harshly critical of a classmate and he finally spoke up. The teacher was shocked that anyone would challenge him and a power struggle ensued. Mr. P fired back using intimidation and threats, but Mitchell kept calling him on his negative actions pointing out inequity. It was a rough time and at one point Mitchell came home telling me he had had enough. He wanted to be home-schooled. Believe me, I thought about it but in the end I'm glad that we encouraged him to hang in there.
We tried to talk to the teacher but he just denied his actions and blamed it all on an unruly class. Not getting anywhere with Mr. P. we had no choice but to take our concerns to the Principal, who I'm sure was aware of the nature of this teacher. Although this teacher had been at our school for years, he did not return the following fall and we never heard officially if our complaint prompted his removal. Many parents thanked us for stepping forward but it was really Mitchell.
Our sweet boy was always quick to recognize inequity and stand up for what was right
The point of all of this is our son learned a valuable lesson from a difficult public school situation. He learned that he could stand up and speak his truth. He also demonstrated to his classmates how you can do so respectfully and in the end make a difference.
Would I have liked for Mitchell to have had a better teacher that year.
YES!
BUT it taught me an important lesson too. That negative situations teach us more than we think and we shouldn't be fearful of them. I have a rock that Mitchell painted that year that has the words, "respect," "kindness," and "hope," on them. It a door stop in the summer time and as I whoosh in and out with my kids in my glory months, I'm reminded about a little boy's courage and perseverance for justice.
If he hadn't gone to school, he wouldn't have had that in his education pocketbook.
Who knows when he will cash in on that experience.
As I write this post now, our first string, as our basketball loving son, Harrison, likes to call our first four kids, are out the door. They have now graduated and have moved off to University and beyond.
Grace, William, Kathryn, and Victoria are still on the court.
Our oldest daughter, Alyssa, graduated in 2008. She now has a bachelor's degree in English and in Education. She was our first teacher and taught us how to be parents. She is now a qualified teacher, world traveler, writer, photographer, pianist, and so much more. She's brilliant! (you are my sunshine and daddy's sweet feet)
Our oldest son, Clark, graduated in 2011. He now has a Bachelor of Science Degree and plans to attend law school in the fall. Clark was given my surname, which means, "scholar,"which I find interesting as he is always on the quest towards learning. As a little blonde headed lad, he picked up every stick, rock, and bug for observation. He now teaches at our local Science Centre and encourages kids to ask hard questions and find the answers. (he was my little monkey..always curious)
Mitchell, graduated in 2014 and will obtain his Bachelor's of Science Degree, majoring in Psychology, later this spring. Mitchell has always been a happy, looking for fun kid; wanting to try out everything. He's also been the kids who has gone to the emergency room more than any of our other kids from all his sport related injuries. When he was little he had a commanding presence, and moved through his life knowing exactly what he wanted. When he was three years old and I was telling him to do something, he looked up at me and said, "you aren't the boss of me." Thank you for teaching me that I was only a caretaker of your body, until you could head out into the world on your own. You also taught us a lot about "respect, kindness and hope." (you will always be my "bear")
And that brings me to the end of our first string. Harrison, who won the most sportsmanlike award in basketball in grade 12. He learned a lot about being a good sport being the middle of our pack of kids. As a young child he always wanted us to play board games with us but would cry desperately if he lost. In high school though he learned a lot about the value of winning and losing during his years playing on the high school basket ball team. Our kid's high school is well known for their strong academics but let's just say, if you develop character more when you lose, then Harrison and all his basketball teammates are abundant in character, for they lost just about every game they played....okay, maybe not every game but it sure felt like it at times. Harrison graduated in 2017 and is currently attending his first year of Science at University, heavy to the business courses since he plans to claim that as his major in year three. One other thing I want to tell you about Harrison is that a few years ago, we got a new cherry red "LG" washing machine that played a jaunty tune when the cycle ended. When I would ask Harrison how his day went at school he would say, "LG Mom!" which translated meant, "life's good!" Yes l'lil Piggie, life is good with you in it.
Before I close, I did want to say that our parenting started with a strong foundation and the belief that one parent should stay home. Also, we adopted an attachment- parent type of lifestyle, ie: breastfeeding, allowing self weaning, co-sleeping, wearing our babies, keeping them close and listening to their cues.
William in a rare moment where he wasn't attached to me in his sling. The words above his head couldn't be more true. "To our children we give two things, one is roots, the other is wings"
We found that by the time our children were ready for preschool/kindergarten, they had a good sense of trust and confidence and were ready and happy to head off to school. It's our belief that when you provide a strong base for kids and maintain it throughout their childhood, it gives them the trust and confidence to explore their world.
Now I have to say that when William was about to start school, four years ago,I did revisit the idea of home-schooling. Interestingly enough, it was my fear that prevented me from doing so. Public school had worked for all our other children and I didn't know if I could provide him with everything that he needed to be ready for life. He was intensely curious and extremely social and we felt that keeping him at home would limit him. I admire the families who do choose to home-school, because they are brave and in a way they are taking the roadless traveled, which I have always admired. I know that this can inspire the next generation of children to forge new avenues in life. Times are changing and this world needs the next generation to be free thinking and open to new ideas and ways of working in the world.
My final thought on the matter is:
Whatever choice we make for our children, as long as it comes from a place of love, it is the right one. ~Lee Reynolds~
I'd like to dedicate the following YouTube video, called, "Light~Sleeping at Last," to my eight beautiful kids.
"I'll will always hold you close, but I will learn to let you go."
And now, as if this blog wasn't full enough, I want to share my banana muffin recipe with you, which in my opinion, is the perfect snack to go along with a fruit smoothie when the kids come home from school.
The children took some of their muffins to share (more on the side) to their violin group class last Monday
Here are Will, Kate and Tori trying out my Banana muffins and a fruit smoothie which are a perfect after school snack
Hope's Banana Muffins
Ingredients
3 large mashed, (ripe) bananas 3/4 cup brown sugar 1 slightly beaten eggs 1/3 cup coconut oil or margarine...melted 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp baking powder 1/2 tsp salt 1 cup flour 1/2 cup oatmeal 1/2 cup unsweetened coconut
(Topping: walnuts, coconut and brown sugar)
In a large bowl, mash bananas. Add the sugar and beaten egg. Add the melted coconut or margarine. Mix well
Set aside. In a medium bowl, add all the dry ingredients and mix them well. Now add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients. Stir until only just combined....do not over mix.
Spray muffin tins and fill with mixture, 3/4 to the top.
Top with a sprinkling of walnuts, coconut and brown sugar
Place in preheated oven at 375 degree for 15 to 20 minutes. I like mine only until the toothpick comes out clean...the aroma in the kitchen as they are cooking is delectable!!!
Enjoy.
Thank you for coming to visit today.
Until we meet again, may you be well, happy and peaceful.
